BOYS NEED NOT APPLY - I’m a grown ass woman, so I need a grown ass man. I don’t need a little boy who still plays high school games and feeds into drama cause I’m not having any of that. If your balls haven’t dropped yet and your voice still squeaks - KEEP IT MOVING HOMIE. I want a man with some serious balls and a deep voice that makes my chest vibrate when he asks me ‘Do you like this baby?’ as we’re doin’ it.
I DON’T WANT ANOTHER VAJAYJAY, I HAVE MY OWN - Stand up for yourself. Fight for what you believe in. Don’t be a freakin’ door mat. I want a man who can hold his own. I don’t find it attractive when a man becomes submissive to anything or anyone. I’m a very strong and opinionated individual and I need a man who can be on the same level as me. When I’m out of line - tell me! When I’m acting a fool - bring it to my attention! Don’t just lay down and take it. I’ll push your buttons and I want you to push mine back. If you’re a complete vagina I WILL GET BORED WITH YOU and then go find a man who has a penis and not a pussy.
YOU’RE PRETTIER THAN ME - I’m well aware I’m a pretty girl so I’d have a really hard time dating someone who is prettier than me. I like a man who is well groomed, BUT if you spend more time at the salon getting your nails, eyebrows and hair done, then we have a problem. If you look anything like those orange Jersey Shore bastards with hair as hard as concrete - it’s a no go. I’d rather have myself a hard working, greasy man who needs a good shower than a pretty boy who looks more like a bitch than I do.
YOU’RE A ‘STAGE 5 CLINGER’ - I need space. My ‘alone time’ is some of my most precious time of the day, so when I’m enjoying this time the last thing I want is you blowing up my phone with a hundred text messages and a slew of phone calls and voice mails. If I don’t pick up or answer - I don’t want to talk to you at this time. It doesn’t mean I’m dead and it doesn’t mean I hate you - it just means I don’t feel like engaging in a conversation. If I’m out with my girls and you’re blowing up my phone I will come home and bash you across your skull with my phone as soon as I get home. I’m a grown ass woman and I can handle my own - I already have a father and I sure as hell don’t need a babysitter.
YOU SMELL BAD - I need a man who smells good. Obviously there are situations when you’ll walk in the house smelling ‘like a lumberjack’ and not be too pleasant to my sense of smell, this is understood. I’m talking about when homeboy always smells like asshole, like he was dunked in a pool of horse shit and forgot to shower. I need a man I can hug tightly and not want to vomit as soon as I inhale. You don’t need to be drenched in cologne [but I am a fan of designer fragrances] but you do need to smell good. You’d be amazed what a little bit of soap and water can do.
YOU’RE A LOSER - If you don’t have a job or a car and you’re not in school getting an education - then you can keep it moving. I need a man who is doing something with himself, becoming something. I’m not trying to invest time into a man who is content being at the bottom of the barrel spending his day in the bottle. I want a man who is out there doing something with himself and making something of himself. I’m an incredibly driven individual and I need a man who is on the same page as me. In certain situations people don’t have jobs and cars and this can be understood - but if you’re content being a complete loser and you’re not trying to better yourself - then you might as well just forget about ever having a chance with me.
YOU FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH - There is nothing more disgusting than someone with nasty yellow teeth and a stench coming from their mouth that can be compared to that of a decomposing body. I’m not having a man with ‘stank mouth’ thats for damn sure. I know it sounds difficult - but all men should invest in a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash and use them two times daily - you’d be amazed how wonderfully such simple things can change that trash mouth to something worth kissing.
YOU HAVE AN EXCESSIVELY HAIRY BACK - I understand there are some hairy men out there and there ain’t a damn thing wrong with that. However, when your back hair curls worse than your pubes and I could actually put it into corn rows - well, Houston, we have a problem! Just the thought of that makes me want to run to the toilet and throw up my breakfast. Wax that shit, have someone shave it for you or invest in laser hair removal. I don’t mind running my hands through the hair on a man’s head but I won’t be able to run my hands through a man’s back hair. That’s just too disgusting for my liking.
YOU’RE FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE - You don’t need to have a bank roll the size of your skull, but you do have to be good with money. You need to be able to make the dough and save it, because someday if things go good for us and I plan on being yours for the rest of my life - I don’t want to have to worry about a damn thing. I’m on my own stuff and I’ll be raking in 6 figures when I get out of school, but I need a man on my same level and not a man riding my coat tails. I can’t have a man who is constantly blowing money on foolish shit. I want to live a comfortable life and not have to worry about money. And I sure as hell don’t want a man reaching in my pockets every chance he gets.
YOU HATE THE BEACH - If you don’t like the beach then this isn’t going to work. I am at the beach at least twice a week and it tends to be my sanctuary and my cure for everything. If I’m mad, sad, depressed or stressed then you can find me at the beach. I need a man who enjoys walking the beach at night, sitting in the lifeguard chair and pounding out fried seafood like its going out of style. I need a man who finds beauty in the ocean. I can deal with a man not sharing my interests, but you MUST love the beach.
YOU CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT YOUR CELL PHONE - Everyone has a cell phone these days and I have no problem with you using it here and there, but I will have a problem if we’re sitting at dinner and you’re texting up a storm or you have the audacity to actually answer a call from ‘one of your boys’ while we’re eating. Unless its your boss or Jesus Christ himself you best not answer that phone or the next chance I get I’m shoving it down your throat. If we’re talking - we’re making eye contact and if you even dare look down at your phone then ‘it’s on like Donkey Kong’ and I can promise you we will be beefing. I find it incredibly disrespectful when I’m with a man and he’s more interested with who is on his phone than the fact I’m sitting in the same room as him.
YOU DON’T TREAT ME RIGHT - Calling me a ‘stupid bitch’ or any disrespectful and derogatory names is a complete deal breaker. I want a man who respects me, who admires me and who makes a conscious effort day in and day out to treat me like a queen. No man is perfect and I understand this, but I need a man who knows how to treat his lady. Cute texts and phone calls, dinner when I get home, cute dates and nights out on the town. I want to feel loved, needed and appreciated. There is no excuse for putting a lady down and making her feel less than the queen she is.
YOU TRY TO CHANGE ME - I know I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be, but any man of mine needs to be happy with the woman I am and not try to change me. Don’t bother wasting my time if you plan on altering anything about me. I am who I am and if you can’t love me for that then get out of my face. I’ve seen way too many people ‘lose themselves’ because they allowed their significant other to change who they are, and this just isn’t cool with me. So if you plan on making me yours, make sure you’re happy with me AS IS - cause this bitch doesn’t change for anyone. ❞